Twitter: The June Tweets

 Holy Geebuz, how did this happen?

I didn’t even get covid for my birthday. 

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Trump’s suits don’t fit and he talks like a construction worker.

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The main theme of The Hunger Games is about deceptive editing.

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It really speaks to Trump's vitality that, at 73, he can be characterized as picking on an old man of 75.

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Ancient lore tells of a third kind of peanut butter, one that stands between and above both chunky and creamy, but was lost to humankind, and which, when rediscovered, will heal all divisions borne of sandwich spreads.

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Slip up? That was a luge run!

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I have a theological theory that Christ returns when humanity has used up every last alternative, so that no one may say there was something untried.

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“Smells Like Teen Spirit” is a parody of protest songs, therefore “Smells Like Nirvana” is the sincere work.

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Black Lives Matter - persuasive

White Privilege - not persuasive

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In war, sometimes you have to blow up your own bridges.

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We need to get past mechs and move onto bioengineered megafauna sleeves with wet interfaces. It's what Zeus would've wanted.

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Daughter: *spills entire glass of milk*

Daughter: *literally cries* 

Me: “It’s ok, just clean it up”

Daughter: *cries more*

«a few minutes later»

Daughter: *gets out milk and a glass*

Me: “Uh, no.”

Daughter: *cries again*

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"I'm concerned that rioting might undermine the message of peaceful protests."

*gets fired for making racially charged comments*

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All-Bran®: The strongest cereal available without a prescription.

Fiber One®: Because Metamucil® tastes too good. 

Life®: It’s not a word, it’s a sentence. It’s also a cereal. 

Grape Nuts®: Stop hurting yourself. Stop hurting yourself.

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The target demo for all politics is middle class white women.

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Trying to argue the GOP isn’t racist is like trying to argue the Earth isn’t flat.

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Practitioners of just about every discipline get defensive when you mock what they do. Nothing gets mocked more than communications. But communicators don’t get defensive. What do they know?

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Pizza is charcuterie on an edible board.

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An amazing observation:

If you ever wonder why intelligent educated sensitive me is wary of if not actively hostile to so much of what passes for modern cultural liberalism, it’s because it pattern-matches so closely not only to the apocalypse visions conservatives were warning of when I was growing up, but to the liberals’ versions as well.

https://kontextmaschine.tumblr.com/post/123330745893/kontextmaschine-i-wonder-exactly-which-day-it 

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I, personally, think it’s a no-brainer that the Democrat Party should pay reparations.

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BOY: *leaves open container of food where DOG can get at it*

DOG: *eats said food*

ME: “If you liked it then you should have put a lid on it. Oh oh oh. Oh oh ohh ohh.”

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If the election were held tomorrow, today would be November 2nd. Am I doing it right?

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We’re gonna play Blunt Force Trauma®. Should I be Team Mallet or Team Projectile?


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The plural of Bruce is Bryce. 
Like it or not, that means Bryce Dallas Howard is twice the man Bruce Willis is.

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I was having trouble remembering which way the new lock on the back door worked, and then I thought, just remember the word ‘lockup.’ Then I realized that ‘lockdown’ is also a word.

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Wait. Did antifa really burn down an AutoZone and then establish an Autonomous Zone?

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One of the greatest fallacies is the notion that there’s any such a thing as a slippery slope fallacy.

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KNIVES OUT review:
A fast-paced, nostalgic whodunnit with a political subtext so ham-handed it comes off as a pretext. 
★★★☆☆

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Democrats be like, "We are the world's oldest voter-based political party. Also, we are rebels."

GOP is the second-best political party in the world. Just look who they're up against.

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You have to understand, the Founding Fathers were bullied.

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The hardest part of my day is resisting the urge to just spell out the fugging joke.

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Sharon is Karen-adjacent.

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Cultural Revolutionary Occupied Territory of  Capitol Hill

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Plot Twist: We’ve actually been living on Earth³ the whole time.

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