A Weird Dream I Had


Years ago—like, back when the show was on—I had a dream that was basically a Star Trek: TNG b-storyline. 

A bunch of the crew have to attend some diplomatic function on Klingon. So obviously Worf is along. Data is there to explain shit. A couple others. And key to the story, Riker.

They get there during some weird Klingon festival (but I repeat myself). They've got this feast where they bring out all the most nasty, vile Klingon dishes as a show of gustatory toughness. It's great fun.

Now, this stuff is supposed to be rough for Klingons. So you can bet the Enterprise crew is turning green at all this nastiness. Even Data has some technobabble about how his nutrient processing system wasn't designed for this shit.

Then the Klingon top chef brings out the pièce de résistance. The Klingons are positively yakking at this garbage. Some won't even touch it. The plate goes around and passes in front of the Enterprise crew, to much anguished groaning.

Riker has been holding his own pretty well, so far, but he looks like the veiny head kid meme. But as soon as he takes a look at this new item, he lights right up with that big beardy grin on his face.

With much gusto, he reaches into the dish, pulls out a gelatinous orange glob, and pops it into his mouth, chewing with great satisfaction. The rest of the crew is like, "How the hell?"

The Klingons seeing this are just about ready to declare him king. "What is it?" a crewmember asks. Worf pipes up with some unpronounceable bullcrap. Then Data translates into some equally nonsensical techspeak.

The crewmember is puzzled. Riker just laughs as he reaches for more. "What Commander Data is trying to say," he says with a flourish, "is Velveeta."

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