Happy Meal Toys

 



So, my kid got this dumb rat-Pokémon thingie in his Happy Meal. 

I’m not ragging on Pokémon. I’m ragging on the toy.

Happy Meal toys are not what they used to be. 

This rat has a wheel on its tummy. All it does is slide on the ground and its mouth opens and closes. 

When I was a kid, we got animals with four legs that moved.

Our Happy Meals had actual LEGO sets and Hot Wheels cars made out of metal. 

We got honest-to-god action figures that could join up with G.I. Joe as soon as we got home.

Now, I had the little 4" Joes, growing up. The ones with the bendable knees and elbows and the waist that if you twisted it enough times, Joe became a double-amputee.

If I knew then what I know now about the VA, I swear, I would’ve taken better care of my Joes. 

    I’m sorry, Sgt. Slaughter. I had no idea.

Anyway, my dad would always poke fun and tell me “That’s not a real G.I. Joe.”

According to my dad, a real G.I. Joe stood 12 inches tall and had fatigues AND a dress uniform.

No, Dad, that’s a doll.

If you can change his clothes and if he could live comfortably in the Dream House, that’s a doll. 

That’s not G.I. Joe; that’s Weekend Warrior Ken.

And that’s fine! I can respect that. Just, let’s be honest, here. 

Ken joined up with the Guard so that, one weekend a month, he wouldn’t have to carry Barbie’s shopping bags around.

Barbie: “Hey, Ken, lets go shopping.”

Ken: “Sorry. Can’t. Gotta go defend the homeland.”

Barbie: “Ugh. You’re not ‘defending the homeland.’ You’re just running around the woods with all the other homos.”

Ken: “How can you call me a homo? I’m your boyfriend!”

Barbie: “Because we’ve been dating for God knows how long and you’ve never once made a move on this!”

Ken: “That’s because I don’t have a penis, Barbie. I don’t. Have. A penis!”

And that is why Ken bought an AR-15. 


G’night, ladies and gentlemen.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Real Reason Why Are Trucks Getting Bigger

Image
It's not "ego." It's a claim that you encounter a lot—an insult really—that people are buying bigger and bigger trucks to compensate for… something. Here's one particularly cringeworthy example, because the person making it doesn't seem to realize the go-kart he's praising doesn't meet US emissions standards.  whenever americans say that they *need* a massive pickup truck that gets 12mpg just show them the Subaru Sambar utility vs. ego pic.twitter.com/NqexDbQcok — sam (@sam_d_1995) May 11, 2022 In response, a lot of people will defend their big truck purchase by saying they need a larger vehicle for their family, their business, or just because they like it. And to an extent, market forces are partly responsible for the increase in truck sizes, particularly when it comes to features like crew cabs. But it turns out that even a lot of people who like the big trucks don't know the full story of how their trucks got so big. The rest of the story
Read more

Romney’s Pro-Life Position Not So New

Also: Say hello to the “Sev-Con” There’s a NYTimes article out over the weekend that is all the buzz today. The pull-quote du jour is by former Mitt Romney strategist Mike Murphy, who told National Review in 2005 that Romney "is a pro-life Mormon faking it as a pro-choice friendly." The preferred pick-apart is that this proves Romney will say and do anything to get elected. And, I admit, it certainly sounds damning. If nothing less, it was a poor choice of words. But this is old news. At the time Murphy issued a statement saying he had been misquoted. I’d say the facts support Murphy’s side of the story. The Times article tries to make more ado about Romney’s pro-life journey than there is. In 1994, when he ran against Ted Kennedy, he did not shy away from his personal opposition to abortion but positioned himself by saying “my personal beliefs, like the personal beliefs of other people, should not be brought into a political campaign.” He lost that race. In 2001, Romney e
Read more

The Gaffe that Almost Wasn’t

Image
The smear campaign against Cain continues   By now the internet, radio, television, and wagging tongues everywhere are all abuzz over the latest campaign blunder by Herman Cain. But is it really the gaffe everyone says it is? Or was it a selective editing job a la Ed Shultz ? Well, call me cynical, but I’ve seen enough media shenanigans to be suspicious of anything taken out of context and this definitely tripped my radar. In the clip that has gone viral (below), Cain does appear to be caught off-guard by a question on Libya, a topic he ought to have been ready for. My first reaction was to wonder how many clips like this land on editing room floors instead of online. In a world used to hyper-slick video and equally slick candidates, a moment of thought gathering can seem disastrous. Still, this isn’t about a some candidate’s “senior moment.” Rather, it is about a hatchet job gone awry. This clip was released by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel along with the entire half-hour interview
Read more